Okay, so that picture above is not exactly a recent picture, since my fondness for pictorials has been significantly reduced to, wait for it... zero (yep, vanished just like that!) since I got pregnant. I thought that it is quite fitting for this post, however. So, there.
Anyways, this week marks the 36th of my pregnancy. Nine freakin' months, yeah baby! So, how does it feel, you ask? Or not. I don't care, I'll tell you anyway. Well, have you ever been so tired of being tired? Have you ever felt like being invaded and not owning your body anymore? If not, then you probably have never been pregnant before, because I swear that's just how I feel right now. I feel as though my body is just so done, so worn out, and so used up at this point. But don't get me wrong. This is a choice I made and I do not regret a single thing about this pregnancy ever. There is nothing in the world I so desire right now but to deliver a healthy and strong baby girl and to finally meet her. It's just that... I'm already so tired and exhausted that I just wanna cry. ;-( Taking a rest and not doing anything is not an option either. It only makes me feel even more tired. That is why I decided to do freelance writing online again. It, at least, gives me some form of distraction, and one that pays at that.
I don't know if it is all the pregnancy hormones kicking in, but I'm feeling especially emotional today. Hence, this post. Maybe because the hubby is out of town for work and I'm left with no one to talk to anymore. It's he who always absorbs my overflowing stresses and complaints and exhaustion and desperation and whatnots. And now that he is not around and will not be around for a few more weeks, I'm alone and sad and even more tired. This makes me think about an even deeper issue that I have chosen not to deal with all because I have Argey anyway - that I have no real best friend. Well, there's Argey who is my bestest friend and my husband in one, but there's just no one else. There are my gurls, yes, but... I don't know, maybe I want more than the occasional meet-ups, the hollow talks and the superficial decision of leaving broken pieces un-mended.
Times like this make me wish I have someone who will be there to check on me, to share with my anxiety and nervousness, to listen to my weird talks about the changes I feel physically and emotionally, to just be there for me as I will always do for them. It's times like this that I feel very inadequate and ask myself what else I need to do to get the care and attention I think I deserve. I have always been an independent and confident person, but sometimes it's just so tempting to be the one being looked after this time. Sometimes I wish I had the chance to make groups of friends, instead of having only one. Now, I realized that the problem with giving your whole self to a few people is that they can always choose to tear you up, leaving you broken and with no one else. You do everything to take care of them, but you get shunned away and are left wondering where exactly you went wrong.
Whoa! You, sneaky hormones! Anyways, I'm now counting days, and I still can't believe how I managed all the changes in my body all these time. Nine months is no joke, I tell you. My OB said that D-day can be as early as the first week of August, and I find myself desperately hoping that it will really happen then. I'm both anxious and excited for that day to finally come. I know the little one feels the same way, too, or is she just being super active lately? I hope Argey and I can still squeeze in a short maternity shoot, though. We've always been planning for one, but our busy schedules just won't allow it. I know, I know, it will be a real bummer not to have one.
'Til my next post (whenever that may be)!
Janjie
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